Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus...

Dear Gudrun:

I am 28 years old.   Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.  Papa says, "If you see it in GUDRUN'S COLUMN, it is so."   Please tell me the truth:  Is there a Santa Claus?

Hopefully,

Virginia Jejeune

119 West 192nd Street

Dear, Virginia:

If you are 28 and your friends are "little," they must be Munchkins or elves, or you are associating with a much, much younger age group.  And it's hard to believe that either Munchkins or elves would question the existence of Santa.  Be that as it may, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.  They do not believe anything they cannot see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible to their little teensy weensy minds.

("Teensy weensy" reminds me of the "Teenie Weenies" by Wm. Donahey.  This was my fave comic strip when I myself was teensy.  It ran in the Chicago Tribune from 1914 until about 1964.  The characters in the strip were just two inches tall and lived under a rose bush. Their world consisted of things made from discarded real world sized items like hats, jars, and boxes, all of which were gigantic to them.  The "Lady of Fashion" was my favorite Teenie Weenie.  At first she seemed vain and interested only in clothes, much like myself.  Then, however, she became the village school-mistress, nurse, etiquette supervisor, and housekeeper, much like myself.  So, see?  But wait, you're only 28, doubtless a yuppie, so nm.)

All minds, Virginia, whether they be those of children or yuppies, are teensy. In this great universe of ours we are mere insects in intellect as measured by any intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.  Refer to your Shakespeare, Virginia.  As the Prince of Denmark said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."   (Now, neither I nor my SL persona is Danish or a philosopher, but I get this.)

Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as death and taxes, and lives in Washington, DC.  No, Wait...  He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias (and it would be pretty darn dreary for you, if there were no Virginias). There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.  *Sigh*

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!  (????)  You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? (Probably it would prove that your papa should also have hired men to watch the men watching the chimneys.  And, btw Virginia…  Remember to lock your bedroom door!)

 Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

Now, if there are pretty red mushrooms with white spots in your lawn, you can probably make some "special" pickles or crispies and leave them out for Santa.    I guarantee that the men your papa hires will see Santa, and they will see flying reindeer and faeries on the lawn as well!  And so will you!

They look like this, and Christmas ornaments and marzipan candies are made in their image.  Tell me you haven't seen Amanita muscaria as a Christmas ornament.  As I said, you can make them into pickles or fry them up as crisps, but I take NO responsibility for anyone who does so.

Fly agaric (Amanita muscaria) mushrooms are considered deadly by some, and indeed, they are both attractive and deadly to cats and dogs.  But Russians eat them. So do Lithuanians, Finns, Italians, Japanese, and stateless hippies.

Most people eat only the caps or the very young buttons.  Siberians boil fly agarics and then drink the pot liquor to get plastered. They preserve the mushrooms for eating later.   After boiling, one can fry them like normal mushrooms (until crispy), pickle them, or preserve them in oil.  Italians do oil.  Japanese eat them as pickles, as do Lithuanians, Finns, and Russians.

Livestock in the boreal forests love this mushroom: in Siberia and Lapland we're not talking cows or sheep or whatever, but reindeer.  Reindeer will seek it out just for the high.   So it’s not too far a stretch to conjure up an image of a jolly, drunk, fat, bearded dude all dressed up for the North Pole — in a red suit with white trim — hitching up a bunch of flying reindeer.

Proofs of Santa:

The United States Post Office guarantees the delivery of mail to Santa, and has performed this service faithfully for nearly 200 years.  Is a letter to Santa ever "returned to sender"?  No, Virginia... unless, silly thing that you are, you addressed it to an ordinary person's home, and that person told the Post Office "Santa doesn't live here."

Rudolph, the ninth reindeer was not fictional (Santa really needed him that foggy night), and reindeer DO fly.  Apparently the reindeer in boreal forests (in Lapland, Siberia, etc.), eat those special red mushrooms.  Eat some, Virginia, and you will fly too. 

Apollo 8 reported seeing Santa Claus, though the sighting is buried deep in their logs.  (No idea whether or not they had any mushrooms along.)

The North American Aerospace Defense Command tracks Santa every year.

Rebuttals to naysayers:

Some say the being himself, and the reindeer could not possibly exist, or get around the world so fast, any more than Santa could be everyplace at once.  This is patently not true.  Look in any department store, in any mall, or on any street corner...  look ANYwhere… Santa will be there!

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus?  He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.  (If you are smart, Virginia, you will buy stock in the distilling company of your choice.   I have both Beam and Diageo.  Or you can hunt mushrooms.)  The warmth and joy of the season will go on

*   This item also appears in R_E_Z Magazine.

**Our sincere apologies to Francis Pharcellus Church of the New York Sun, who wrote the famous response in 1897.  BTW, Virginia O’Hanlon, the actual sender of the letter, was the daughter of a Coroner’s assistant who obviously read the Sun, and who apparently had enough cash to hire guys to watch his chimneys.  I guess in the Golden Age of Capitalism, if you weren’t a servant, you had enough dough to hire one.    :-/

Merry Christmas,

Gudrun